Three kinds of people I do not care for:

• Ungratefuls. Like I know you didn’t ask me to make that list/send that email/find that thing. But I did. Because I wanted to be service-y and kind. And if it’s not what you needed/wanted/were looking for, then I’m sorry it wasn’t helpful, but you could still say “thank you.”
• Pushers. Something about the holidays makes people completely lose their manners. I find it appalling. And hey lady who legit elbowed me to get to a book of Fart Jokes at Urban Outfitters…fuck you.
• Spitefuls. Inward spitefuls are terrible. I sometimes am one and I really, really wish I wasn’t. Outward spitefuls are the worst. (Double worst if you can identify them through nothing more than their words on the internet.)

Three things I wish I were doing:

• Sleeping. Preferably on a king Tempurpedic mattress with someone to cuddle. But honestly I would take a cot in the conference room right now.
• Eating. Cheese. Nothing else really needed.
• Pretty much anything but sitting at my desk. I might actually prefer to be Lindsay Lohan working at the morgue right now. Probably.

Three things I don’t understand:

• Harem pants. Unless you are dressing as an Aladdin character…then it makes sense.
• Julia Allison and why people hate her. Like I actually don’t get her or what she’s about. But I also don’t get why anyone gives a shit about her. How exactly is she different than any other pretty, overprivileged, narcissistic 20something?
• Airplanes. Really think about how that works…a two ton box of metal just hanging out IN THE AIR? Or don’t think about it if you’re flying. Sorry.

Three things I hope for:

• The Christmas Spirit to enter me. I don’t have it right now and I want it. I feel a tiny kindling of it when I plug in the lights on my Christmas tree, but it usually burns out as soon I realize I haven’t watered the tree for 3 days and I’m going to have to fill up the pitcher and then crawl around on my knees among pine needles and I’ll probably get sap on me and try not to get electrocuted and UGH.
• Someone to invent a way of chewing that counts as cardio. We have airplanes and someone can’t find a way for me to lose weight while eating a cookie…come on.
• Peace on earth (and the internet) and goodwill towards men (and everyone else). Easy, right?